It’s hard to sit still, because it makes me start thinking. And when I start thinking, I forget right now.
My father didn’t talk to his mother for a long time. Years. His brother? Decades. Me, for 9 years now. My oldest son has decided to stop speaking to me. For my birthday, he told me to go fuck myself. He thinks I made his life miserable. I don’t think that’s true. He’s a teenager. Maybe he’ll come around. But maybe not.
In the now, I can accept letting him go.
When my father stopped speaking to his mother, he had my brother and I do the same. My mother said it would be a “betrayal” if we spoke to anyone he didn’t. I broke that mold at age 23, when I called my Uncle and said “I don’t know what the hell is going on. But hi.” I love my Uncle dearly.
My father convinced people exceptionally important to me to cast me out. My brother, my godparents. More.
Now, the family I created has crumbled. Divorcing, losing the battle to the well-funded suite of attorneys my ex has at her disposal, I am actually indigent according to the courts, and unable to get a job that would pay what my ex-wife convinced the Supreme Court (in my absence) that I am making, or will be.
I am not flailing. Not yet. I have moments of Dive, but I don’t.
I have to focus on now. Only now.
With unexpected comfort, I fell in love again. Not just madly in love, which I am, but in a long-term, companionate way which seems like a not-so-minor spiritual miracle. I have never met someone so capable and engaged. And it happened nearly by accident, through an intelligent serendipity.
Only now, I can feel how solid the ground is under my feet.
I am not reinventing myself. I am becoming truer and truer to who I have always been. To the person I was before I became enmeshed in years of subtext.
Of silent events I could only sense, revealed years later.
Dipping myself in the sociopathic muck of days gone by serves only to occupy my head with noise and useless matter, clouding my heart from the joy of now.
And damn, if I haven’t started radiating again.
I have to keep in the now. Only now.
Love to all. Even you, the kid who keeps taking the other kid’s phone.